


Private Fears In Public Places

by thefangirlingdead



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Backstory, Cuddling, Desk Sex, Emotional Sex, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, Mentions of Character Death, Office Sex, Riding, basically everyone Levi loves dies, i'll add tags as the fic goes on, lots of angst man, sappy old man sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-08
Updated: 2014-04-30
Packaged: 2018-01-18 16:20:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1434883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefangirlingdead/pseuds/thefangirlingdead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Levi loses Farlan and Isabel, he’s terrified of getting close to anyone, for fear of having to go through that pain again. That is, until Erwin steps in and changes everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Die By Your Hand

**Author's Note:**

> _You are the smell before rain_  
>  _You are the blood in my veins_  
>  \- [The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owGzyBV8dEQ%22) \- Brand New
> 
>  **A/N:**  
>  This first chapter is short and mostly just backstory (I kind of just really wanted to write this scene) but the rest of the chapters will be longer. The explicit rating is also for the entire fic, as a few other chapters will have smut in them. I'll be adding tags as it goes along, as that seems to work best. 
> 
> ALSO, I don't know why I haven't said this before, but if anyone wants any updates on this fic (or any other gross old man stuff I might be writing) feel free to follow me on tumblr [here!](http://thefangirlingdead.tumblr.com/)

It all happens rather quickly.

Farlan and Isabel _die_ rather quickly. And Levi is forced to listen - to stand idly by - and hear it happen, as Erwin physically holds him back, arms wrapped tight around his shoulders. And it's not that he doesn't fight it, kicking and screaming at his Commander, but Erwin has the advantage. Erwin is taller, stronger, and he hears it before Levi does.

And Levi feels like an idiot for ever trusting the man. He feels completely betrayed.

He almost kills him right then and there, just as soon as Erwin releases him - just as soon as some of Erwin's better men take the deviant down - but he doesn't. He holds himself back, because for some reason, he wants it to be intimate. He wants it to be personal. He wants to be able to tell Erwin just what he thinks of him before watching his blood spill over his blades. Because that's the poetic way to do it. Not with a rifle or with his hands, but with the very blades that Erwin had _given_ him when he'd first joined the Survey Corps.

So he doesn't kill him right away. No, he waits. He waits, because he knows that they have a long journey back to camp, where their horses and their supplies wait. And he knows that, for part of that journey, he'll get the chance to be alone with Erwin.

So he waits.

He waits until they're in the middle of the forest, surrounded by thick trees, rain pounding on their backs. A flash of lightning streaks across the sky, and when Levi strikes, it's at the same time as the clap of thunder that follows.

He catches Erwin off guard, slamming into him mid-air, causing him to lose control of his gear - missing the tree that he'd been aiming for - and sending him plummeting to the ground. Erwin recovers, and he attempts to regain control of his fall, but only half of his gear works, one side having been rendered useless by Levi's blow, _and isn't that just convenient?_ Levi can just tell the squad that Erwin's gear stopped working. That he'd realized it too late and a titan had got to him first.

Erwin tries to stop himself, but only manages to anchor onto a tree with the left side of his maneuver gear, and while it slows his fall down, it doesn't stop him from tumbling once he reaches the ground, stopping a few meters off from where he initially hits. Levi follows, slow and graceful, landing easily on his feet before Erwin. And before the other man stands, he already has his blades drawn.

Levi's going to kill him.

Erwin stands, brushing himself off, and when he glances up at Levi, he freezes. Levi, all steady hands and dangerous eyes, holds the blades up to Erwin's neck, and by the look in Erwin's eyes, it _clicks._ He seems to take the hint - the warning - and raises his hands up in surrender, lowering himself to kneel on the forest floor once more.

It isn't until then that Levi's hands begin to shake, rage bubbling up in his chest.

 _Erwin had let them die_. He'd heard their screams and he'd done _nothing_. Nothing, but stand there, hold Levi back, and listen. He knew that they were dying, and he did nothing to stop it. He didn't even _try._

And Levi feels like an idiot for ever having trusted him. Because sure, in the beginning, he swore that he'd kill Erwin the second that he got the chance, but then _he got to know him_. He got the chance to understand his passion and his pride. Then, Erwin had decided to place some trust in him, and who would Levi be to not give that same trust back in return? Even Farlan and Isabel had agreed that _maybe_ , he wasn't as bad as he had seemed in the beginning. Hell, even _they_ started to trust him.

Levi wants to scoff. They wouldn't now. He wonders if they still had that _stupid_ , blind trust for Erwin as the titan had ripped them apart.

It's pouring and the wind is blowing and Levi is shaking, and he can't tell if it's because he's cold or angry or terrified. Maybe it's a little bit of all three.

"You let them die," He hisses at last, when Erwin doesn't even _say anything_. The man just looks up at him expectantly, and it makes Levi want to kick his face in, but he holds himself back. He wants Erwin to know exactly how he feels.

He wants the emotionless bastard in front of him to _feel_ his pain before he slices into him.

"I did what I had to," Erwin replies calmly. His hands have fallen to his sides, but he doesn't reach for a weapon. In fact, he almost looks relaxed, save for the hard look on his face, and that only angers Levi more.

"You sat back like a _coward_ ," Levi spits.

Surprisingly, Erwin doesn't argue that. Instead, he's silent for a moment, as more lightning flashes across the sky, before he asks, tone soft, "Are you going to kill me, Levi?"

And Levi can't help the way his face twists up in anger, hands trembling. Water drips off of his brow and onto the forest floor, and suddenly, he's acutely aware of everything going on around them - of the sound of the raindrops hitting the trees, of the small flashes of lightning off in the distance. Of the way that Erwin looks up at him expectantly, waiting for an answer.

"The reason I joined the Survey Corps was, _Erwin_ ," Levi mutters, voice like venom as he leans in close, "So I could kill you."

And he expects there to be fear in Erwin's eyes at those words. Because for a man who's spent his life fighting titans, there's no way he'd ever expect that it would end like this, at the hands of another man. But to Levi's surprise, his expression doesn't change. He doesn't flinch away from the blade pressing dangerously against his neck.

Instead, he straightens out his posture slightly, knees digging into the wet ground. "Then do it," He mutters softly. It's a challenge, Levi knows it.

And while he's _dying_ to accept, he suddenly finds that he can't.

He's not sure what does it, but suddenly, he realizes that the shaking in his hands isn't from the cold or the anger, it's from fear and frustration the overwhelming _grief_ weighing down his body. And the pounding in his chest isn't of excitement or rage, but of uncertainty. And while he wants to fucking _hate_ Erwin for the way that he closes his eyes and accepts his fate, he can't. He can’t, and he doesn't know why.

He doesn't know why, but he can't make the move. He can't pull the blade back and cut, just as he'd been planning only moments ago. It had seemed so easy in his head but now... _Now_ , he's not so sure. Because what if he's making the wrong choice? What would Farlan and Isabel think? He's killed before, and for them too, but...

But would it be worth it?

Would killing the _one man_ whom he'd placed his trust in, for the first time in a long time, be worth it? Because after that blow, he'd be alone. No Farlan, no Isabel. Nobody, not even  _Erwin_.

He's never been certain if he's made the right choices in his life, and still, staring down at Erwin on the wet ground, he can't decide which choice he'll regret more. Let him live, and possibly risk his own life in return, or kill him, and be free. Let him live and move on, or kill him, and hold onto that anger that he's kept bottled up inside of him for his entire life.

Erwin doesn't move, and neither does Levi, and ultimately, it's the tell-tale sound of loud, thudding footsteps that makes the decision for him.

Levi jerks his head sharply to the right, searching out the sound, and when he hears it again, he realizes that it's not just one, but two sets of footsteps, heading straight in their direction and getting louder by the second. Yet there he stands, shaking on the forest floor, Erwin on his knees before him. And while he doesn't say anything, his gaze says it all -

_What's it going to be, Levi?_

\- and he makes his choice.


	2. Vacant Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Got a Vacant Heart but I can let you in_  
>  _And a Vagrant's soul but you can't see it_  
>  \- [Vacant Heart](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrgB4aKqnqc%22) \- Matt Walters
> 
> **A/N:**  
>  This chapter takes place a few years after the first one, just a forewarning so you're not confused.  
> And I know that this chapter is kind of a lot of background, but I promise that it will change with the next one!  
> Enjoy!

The first time they kiss, it's rough and unexpected, just after returning home from an expedition. They all come back with a few scrapes and bruises, but thankfully, there are no casualties. And Levi is partially to thank for that.

When he returns, he's covered in more battle wounds than usual. One of his hands is bandaged, just a little bit of blood seeping through the cloth, and he's got a pretty big shiner just under his left eye. But he's _alive_. They all are. And that's really what gets his blood pumping. It's the thrill of the fight, soaring through the air, slicing through a titan's nape that gets him wound up the way that he is.

But also, it's Erwin's words to him when they return. He follows his Commander wordlessly, like always - along with Hanji and Mike - back to his office, but he's a little taken aback when Erwin tells the other two to get cleaned up before reporting to him. He doesn't tell Levi to leave, so he doesn't. Instead, Levi follows him into his office, blood still pumping, pulse still slightly racing, from everything they've just been through.

Because this hadn't been an ordinary mission. It had been their first expedition outside the walls with their newest recruits, and things hadn't necessarily gone according to plan. Every time they receive new recruits, they seem to get younger and younger, the breach of wall only making the situation worse. Every time they receive new recruits, they seem to be a little more flighty, a little more _unsure_ of themselves outside of the walls, and that's what gets people killed.

In fact, it would have gotten _many_ people killed that day, if it weren't for Levi.

A small handful of the new recruits had broken formation, confused by Erwin's directions - because they're _kids_ , damn it, they don't know what they're doing - and had ridden almost directly into the path of a large, fifteen meter titan. Levi had seen it happen, however, and instead of acting according to code - firing off a flare to warn everyone else, then take proper precautions to take down the beast - he had taken off in the direction that he'd seen the small group go.

Erwin had yelled at him, ordering him to come back, but he had disobeyed. He'd disobeyed, because he wasn't ready to watch even _more_ kids die again. Not if he had anything to say about it.

So he rode after them, quickly - and looking back on it, rather recklessly - but he had saved them. He'd saved them, even though it resulted in his horse getting injured and himself almost getting killed. He'd escaped, though, just barely, with minor wounds, and he'd taken the titan down on his own. _Without_ Erwin's help.

So yeah, his blood is still pumping, adrenaline still coursing through his veins by the time he follows Erwin into his office, eyeing him suspiciously.

Erwin doesn't say anything to him right away. In fact, it's Levi who eventually breaks the silence when the other man barely even acknowledges him, crossing the room to shed his jacket, hanging it on a hook.

"Are you going to say anything?" He bites, trying to keep his voice down, "Or can I go wash up?" The cloth on his hand is starting to look disgusting and he wants nothing more than to retreat to his own room and clean it before _properly_ bandaging it, but part of him also wants to know why Erwin had kept him behind. His Commander hasn't said a word to him since he'd disobeyed out on the field, and he's certain that he's about to get an earful.

And he's not wrong. "If you disobey my orders again," Erwin says, voice calm, calculating, as he turns to face Levi again, "You will be staying behind. Understood?"

And Levi, never one to back down that easily, scoffs. "Then maybe you should stop giving stupid fucking orders."

"You're setting a bad example for the new recruits," Erwin argues back, eyes narrowing, "I can't have them thinking that it's _okay_ to disobey direct orders. It's stupid stunts like yours that will get people killed."

"Well then maybe they should stop sending us such impressionable young _kids_ ," Levi spits, fists clenching at his sides, despite the pain. "They're too young to be out there. They're scared and impulsive and _that's_ going to get them killed, and _you_ know it."

Erwin opens his mouth to speak at that, to reprimand him or _something_ , but to Levi's surprise, he doesn't. Instead, he closes his mouth again, as if choosing his next words carefully. And when he speaks again, he seems to take a different approach.

"You can't keep throwing your life away like this, Levi," He mutters, taking a few steps forward as he speaks, "It's not going to save them."

While he appreciates Erwin's new tactic - feigning concern instead of punishing him - he can't help but roll his eyes and argue. "Are you blind?" He snaps, "I saved them today, _didn't I_?"

Erwin sighs. "I'm not talking about the new recruits, Levi. I mean Farlan and Isabel."

And _that_ strikes a chord in Levi. He feels his body tense at their names, chest suddenly heavy. Erwin hasn't so much as _mentioned_ them in almost two years. Not since that fateful night on the rainy forest floor. Not since Levi had made the choice not to kill him. They’ve moved past it and they haven't discussed it, and Levi prefers it that way, so at the mention of their names, he can't help but get defensive.

" _Shut the fuck up_ ," He hisses, and maybe its poor word choice, especially when talking to his _Commander_ , but he can't really bring himself to care. A lot has changed since then - Levi has even been _promoted_ since then - and he’d really rather not discuss it. Not now. Not ever.

But Erwin pushes it. "No," He argues, "I know we haven't discussed it, and we don't have to _if_ you stop this reckless behavior."

Levi doesn't say anything in response. In fact, for a moment, he's rendered quite speechless. Memories of that night flood his senses and he wants nothing more to be rid of them, but he can't and then Erwin is talking again.

"You're an important asset to the Survey Corps, Levi," He says, voice softening softly.

" _And they aren't_?" Levi bites back in return, tone sharp, "I'm not ready to let any more _kids_ die. Not if I have anything to do with it."

"I'm not saying that they're not important," Erwin argues back gently. He takes a few steps closer. "But you can't keep trying to throw your life away like that. It won't change things."

"You act like you know why I'm doing it," Levi mutters, holding eye contact with him. It's a challenge. He's not quite ready to back down. Not yet.

"That's because I do," Erwin replies softly, "You don't want any more blood on your hands."

It's not a lie. If Levi's telling the truth, part of him feels that if he saves enough people, maybe it'll make up for the fact that he was unable to save his friends. That if he can prevent more kids from dying, maybe _their_ deaths won't be in vain. Because, even though it's been _years_ now, he still can't help the overwhelming feeling of guilt in his chest whenever he thinks about them. Because if it weren't for him, they wouldn't have even been in that situation. If it weren't for him, they'd still be safe back at home.

Levi doesn't say anything in response, and Erwin takes that moment to speak again.

"I understand, Levi," He murmurs, taking another step closer, and Levi realizes quickly how close they are. If he wanted to, he could reach out and touch the other man. Could grab him or hit him, or-

"But you need to understand that I don't want any more blood on my hands either," Erwin says, shaking him out of his thoughts, "Especially not _yours_."

And Levi wants to argue - _what makes me so special?_ \- but he doesn't because suddenly, his mind his racing. His mind is racing and his fingers are twitching and he's cornered, back pressed up against the door of Erwin's office, and Erwin is close to him, close enough to touch. And while Levi still isn't sure if he trusts Erwin completely - he still isn't sure that he won't snap one day and kill his Commander - he can't help the way that his chest swells at Erwin's words.

Because he may not trust him completely, not yet, but Erwin's not lying. He's not trying to manipulate Levi when he tells him that he doesn't want him to die. And for some reason, that hits Levi. He's uncertain if it's because Erwin is the only person he has left, or if it's because he looks to him for directions, despite _everything_ or if it’s because the other man actually seems to _care_ about him. He's uncertain what it is that makes him reach out, quickly gripping the bolo tie around Erwin's neck, pulling him forward and down, _close_ until their faces are mere inches apart.

And he's uncertain what it is that has him glancing down at Erwin's lips, murmuring out, "If you care so much, then why don't you prove it?"

And he's uncertain what it is that has him reaching up to anchor a hand in the other man's hair when Erwin seems to take the hint, swooping down to catch Levi's parted lips in a hard, bruising kiss. Maybe it's the way his blood is pumping from their argument, or maybe it's the adrenaline racing through his veins, but it's definitely _something_ that makes him grip onto Erwin and kiss him back, like his life depends on it.

* * *

 

The first time they have sex, it's rushed and desperate and needy. They've just come back from another mission behind the walls, bloody and bruised and beat up, and they still haven't talked about the kiss. It's been a couple of weeks, and they haven't discussed the moment that they had against the wall of Erwin's office. They haven't discussed the way that Erwin had pinned Levi up against the door, kissing the breath out of him, and they haven't discussed the way that Levi had gripped onto him, despite the searing pain in his hand. 

The first time they have sex, Levi's hand still hasn't quite healed from the last stunt that he pulled a couple of weeks ago, and he returns from outside the walls with even more scrapes and bruises. And the first time they have sex, it's just after Levi saves Erwin's life that day, their blood still pumping, hearts still racing. It's frantic and rushed, but it's _something_ , and after everything, they both just need to _feel._

Outside of the wall, a deviant goes after Erwin, and Erwin in particular. It swipes at his horse, catching her just under her front legs, flinging both the animal and Erwin across a wide, open field. There's nothing for Erwin to latch his maneuver gear onto - nothing to help him slow down his fall - and Levi watches with wide eyes as he goes tumbling like a rag doll through the tall grass, coming to a stop a few meters short of his lifeless horse. And Levi watches with wide eyes as the titan approaches him.

He knows that if Erwin were able to give an order from where he lies, unmoving in the grass, he'd tell him to keep moving - not to waste his time trying to save him. But Erwin doesn't say anything, and neither does anyone else, and Levi makes his move. He turns his horse abruptly, galloping in the direction of Erwin - of the titan - and he moves fast.

Before he's even close enough to see where his commander lies in the grass, he's standing up on his horse's back, readying himself before striking, anchoring himself onto the titan's ankle and flying forward - fast and low to the ground. He moves quickly - _recklessly,_ as Erwin would put it - and efficiently, slicing through the Achilles tendon on both legs, following the beast's body as it falls.

Before it even hits the ground, he's already slicing through the nape of its neck, blood splattering all over his face and hands.

And by the time that Levi reaches Erwin - running through the tall grass on foot instead of getting back on his horse - he's already sitting up, fingers tenderly pressing against a bloody patch of hair on his head. He looks shaken up, and a little bit battered, but alive, nonetheless. And when Levi offers a hand to him, he takes it.

Levi tries not to think that he just saved the life of the man that he so desperately wanted to kill only two years ago.

They don't speak, though, the entire ride back home, and Levi is certain that it's because his Commander is either too shaken up to talk to him, or too angry that he'd risked his life _yet again_. Because Levi's been trying to be good about it. He's been trying to follow orders, even when he doesn't necessarily want to, because they're working toward the same goal, and as much as he doesn't like to admit it, Erwin knows what he's doing.

They don't speak, but Levi still follows Erwin back to his office - like usual - after they return home. He still watches as Hanji and Mike and the others return to their own quarters, following Erwin instead, because part of him know that the other man will want to speak with him.

To his surprise, though, Erwin doesn't say anything. At least not right away. It's much like the last time. He crosses the room, shedding his jacket and hanging it up on the wall, even unclipping his maneuver gear from his chest and letting out a deep breath, before taking a seat on the edge of his desk.

And when he does speak, Erwin's words catch Levi off guard. They're unexpected and surprisingly soft.

"Thank you," He murmurs, "For what you did back there."

Levi freezes at that from where he stands, still close to the door to the room. He freezes, mouth agape, unsure of what to say. Because he'd been expecting Erwin to want to talk to him, but he hadn't expected _that_.

So he can't help what comes out of his mouth when he eventually _does_ say something back in return.

"Now what's that you said about me recklessly throwing my life away?" He asks, but he makes sure to leave a teasing tone in his voice. He doesn't want to anger Erwin, not now, but he also can't help but smirk at the irony of the situation. Because two weeks ago, Erwin had been reprimanding him for doing exactly what he'd done on the battlefield earlier.

And to Levi's surprise - yet again - Erwin lets out a soft, short chuckle at his words. He looks up from where he sits at his desk, a small smile on his lips. "I'm not saying that what you did wasn't stupid," He replies, "But if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here. So yeah, thank you."

And that seems to hit Levi hard. It hits him hard, because years ago, he'd been so close - so willing - to end Erwin's life himself. But now? _Now,_ he’s apparently ready to jump into the line of danger to _save_ his life, no questions asked.

Levi's uncertain as to when the tables turned so abruptly, but suddenly, it hits him.

And maybe it's because he's still full of adrenaline again, or maybe it's because _they haven't talked about that kiss_ , and the tension between them is driving Levi _insane_ , but either way, Levi suddenly finds himself striding across the room with purpose, until he's close to Erwin. He finds himself reaching forward yet again, hand gripping that _stupid_ tie, but this time, there's no hesitation. He doesn't pause and ask for Erwin's permission.

No, this time, he moves quick, in one fluid motion, gripping the bolo tie and pulling Erwin forward, _forward_ , until their lips are meeting. And maybe it's the fact that Erwin almost _died_ , maybe it's the realization that their time is fleeting, but Levi finds himself kissing his Commander, rough and hard, weeks and months and years worth of pent up frustration coming through his lips and teeth and tongue.

Erwin's hands feel hot when he finally responds to the kiss, his palms coming to rest at Levi's hips, fingers slightly digging into his skin though the suddenly all too thick fabric of his clothes. And his tongue feels heavy in his mouth when he kisses back, head tilting to the side, allowing Levi better access. And it feels _good_. It feels good to let go for a moment.

The first time they have sex, it's not loving or slow or passionate. It's not careful, and it's not planned. No, the first time they have sex, Levi finds himself spread out over his Commander's desk, legs wrapped around his waist, debris and clutter falling off of the table and onto the ground as Erwin shucks of his shirt and then his pants quickly.

The first time they have sex, it's needy and rushed. Levi slicks Erwin's fingers up with his own spit and finds himself grinding down onto them, even through the burn, because he needs _more, more_ and he needs it _now_. He needs to feel something. He needs to feel _Erwin_ , pressing roughly and all too quickly into him, fingers gripping his thighs hard enough to bruise. He needs to feel the sharp pain of Erwin biting down on his shoulder to stifle out a moan. He needs to feel _anything_ to remind him that they're alive. That they're human and they're alive and they've survived another day.

Levi leaves scratch marks up and down Erwin's back the first time they have sex, and while he feels a little embarrassed about it afterward, he can't deny that it's a bit of a turn on, knowing that the sensitive marks are rubbing up against Erwin's shirt and maneuver gear the next day. The first time they have sex, he can't help the way he gasps out for more -

_"Harder, fuck Erwin, just like that."_

\- and he can't help the way that he kisses Erwin, sloppy and wet and passionate, as if it's the last time that he'll get the chance to do so. He can't help the way that he swivels his hips down, reveling in the gasp that it earns from Erwin, and he can't help the way he grins at it, leaning in close to Erwin, murmuring out, " _You like that?_ " Because while he's never been one for talking during sex, he can't deny that he loves the reaction that he gets.

Thankfully, Erwin doesn't take it slow, either. He seems to sense the pace that Levi sets and matches it, pressing into him with minimal preparation, letting the smaller man grip onto him as he sides all the way in. No, Erwin doesn't baby Levi. He never has. Instead, he keeps the pace, listening to Levi's requests, fucking him hard and fast against the desk, like their lives depend on it. Because Levi doesn’t want soft or slow or easy. He doesn’t want to be taken care of. He wants Erwin to fuck his tension away. He wants Erwin to fuck him until he can _feel_ something.

The first time they have sex, they don't discuss it afterward.


	3. We Might Be Dead By Tomorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _I don't want to judge_  
>  _What's in your heart_  
>  _But if you're not ready for love_  
>  _How can you be ready for life?_  
>  \- [We Might Be Dead By Tomorrow](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KvCGzwCrjlw) \- Soko

It eventually becomes a regular thing. Levi and Erwin don't really discuss it, but it doesn't change the fact that, whenever they come back from a rather stressful expedition outside the walls - or any trip outside the walls, for the matter - they find one another. No matter how things go, no matter what happens or who they lose, Erwin and Levi always find themselves falling into bed together later that night. They don't discuss it, but Erwin decides that it's a way for both of them to _feel_ , especially after something so traumatic and stressful.

Or at least, that's how it starts out anyway.

But they don't discuss it. They don't discuss how, after their next expedition outside the walls, Levi walks right in Erwin's office without even knocking or being invited, locking the door behind himself. He marches right up to his Commander that night and grabs him, kissing him rough and hard, and they don't discuss it. They don't discuss the way that Erwin kisses him back, strong hands gripping him and holding him close. And they don't discuss how Erwin holds him down, slowly taking him apart because they both suddenly need to _feel_ , and if they can use eachother for that, then they will.

It becomes a routine, and they don't discuss it. They don't discuss it, because at first, there's a silent, mutual understanding that what they're doing is just a form of release. That what they're doing doesn't mean anything. At first, it's just something to remind them that they're alive.

Erwin isn't quite certain when that changes, but if he had to try to pinpoint an exact moment that he noticed it, he'd have to say that it was on a quiet Sunday afternoon, a little shy of a year after they start sleeping together. They don't have any expeditions planned for another week or two, having just acquired a few new recruits who need proper training, and he, Levi and Mike are sitting in his office, going over battle techniques and formations.

Throughout the entire discussion, Erwin can feel Levi's eyes on him. And while that's not uncommon - Levi looks to him for guidance, after all - the gaze feels different. Levi watches him - as he speaks and points out areas on a map - as he would in the bedroom, breathless and anxious after a rough expedition beyond the walls. But they haven't just returned from the walls. They've been behind them for over a week, yet he still feels Levi's eyes heavy on him.

If he had to pinpoint and exact moment when everything changes, he'd have to say it's when Levi reaches over the table after Mike leaves, hand gripping his bolo tie roughly. He'd have to say that it's when Levi kisses him, hard and fast and _hungry_ , just before pulling back and murmuring, " _Need you._ "

Levi stays in his room that night, and Erwin doesn't even think about making him leave.

Things begin to change after that day, but they don't discuss it. Erwin doesn't bring it up when he starts to realize that he looks forward to his brief, passionate meetings with Levi. And he doesn't mention it when he realizes that he sort of misses having the smaller man in his bed with him when he's absent. Because they haven't talked about things yet, so why should they start?

And at first, it's okay. It's okay because they're two grown men with more pressing problems to worry about than _emotions_ and getting attached, or Erwin's feelings toward Levi. They have more to worry about than the fact that Erwin realizes, with every single day, that maybe things are becoming more serious than he intended.

They don't discuss things, and at first that's fine. But then suddenly, it isn't.

Suddenly, it isn't because on one outing, Levi's horse falls, breaking her leg, and he's almost left defenseless in the middle of a field with multiple titans barreling toward him. Thankfully, Erwin and Hanji see it, and while Erwin takes one of the beasts out, Hanji rides by, scooping Levi up on her horse, and thankfully, they make it out of there safely with no casualties. But suddenly, things aren't okay, because for a moment Erwin realizes that he's about to lose Levi, and something inside of him almost _snaps_.

Suddenly, things aren't okay, because Erwin realizes that he's begun to care for the other man more than he ever intended to. And he's not certain when exactly it happened - if it was a slow build, something that hadn't surfaced until they started sleeping together on a regular basis, or if the attraction and the connection had been there from day one - but suddenly, he realizes that he'd absolutely _lose it_ if something happened to Levi.

And while that scares him - Erwin's always tried to stay away from relationships for that exact reason, because he never knows when he (or the other person, in this case) is going to die - he accepts it. He accepts that he cares for his Corporal. Because why wouldn't he? Levi is bright and cunning and strong. He's also beautiful and passionate and caring. He's a lot of things, and Erwin doesn't know why he hadn't seen it sooner, but he doesn't push it away.

He accepts his feelings toward Levi, because a man like him doesn't really get the chance to find something _good_ in this world. And Levi is definitely something good.

That evening, as they're lying in Erwin's bed - as they sometimes do now, after sex, sheets tangled up in their feet, Levi's head on his chest - Erwin voices his feelings. Because they haven't discussed things, and he decides that _maybe_ that should change. Maybe, this - the way that Levi holds onto him after sex, or the way that Levi watches him from across a crowded room - could mean something more.

"Sometimes," He murmurs softly, staring up at the dark ceiling, fingers absentmindedly running through Levi's hair, "I don't know what I'd do if I lost you."

He feels Levi still beneath his hands, body going rigid, and suddenly, Erwin wonders if he's said the wrong thing. After all, they haven't discussed this.

Levi is silent for a moment before he scoffs, muttering, "Don't be so fucking sentimental."

And while part of Erwin tells him to drop it - Levi obviously doesn't want to have this discussion - he can't help the words when they bubble up.

"I'm being serious, Levi."

He doesn't get a response, though. Instead, Levi remains silent. He remains silent for a few short minutes, before he gets up, climbing out of bed, muttering something about needing to get some sleep for training new recruits in the morning.

And when he leaves, Erwin can't help but wonder if maybe there's a reason why they haven't discussed things yet.

* * *

 

Levi doesn't say anything about Erwin's words in bed that night, and as the days pass, it starts to concern Erwin. They don't have any expeditions planned for another week, and while having sex on a regular basis has become a common thing for the two of them, Levi doesn't seek him out for a few days. Levi doesn't come to him and Erwin finds himself wondering if it has anything to do with what he said to Levi in bed that night - if it scared Levi off. 

Because they haven't discussed things, and the second that Erwin had tried to, Levi had shut down. He'd shut down and disappeared, and Erwin hasn't seen him since.

And while they're apart - in the days that Levi _doesn't_ seek Erwin out - Erwin finds that he has plenty of time to think about things. To mull them around in his head. He has plenty of time to think about the fact that every time they've had sex, it's been fast and rushed and rough, as if they're going to die any day, and they need one last fuck, just to feel. He finds himself thinking about how Levi kisses him, about how Levi undresses him. And he doesn't do so as a lover - slow and easy and careful - he does so someone who's anxious and scared and _that_ worries Erwin.

That worries Erwin, because they haven't discussed things, and there has to be a reason why.

_His_ reason had been that he hadn't known how he felt about things until recently. But Levi's? Judging by his actions, it's because he's scared. Whether it's because he's scared of what they could be or scared of losing someone else, Erwin isn't certain.

But they're going to have to talk about it eventually.

And _eventually,_ Levi finds his way back to Erwin. It takes a few days, but eventually, Levi shows up at his door with a soft knock, and Erwin lets him wordlessly inside, locking the door behind him, just in case. Levi doesn't talk, as he rarely does, and instead opts for sitting down at the edge of Erwin's desk, looking at him expectantly.

Because this is how the majority of their meetings go. Sometimes, Levi will show up at his door and kiss Erwin, fast and rough before he even has a chance to shut it behind him, and other times, he'll wait for Erwin to make the first move. Other times, he'll wait for Erwin to grab him roughly, pressing him into the wall or against the desk, kissing the life out of him.

But Erwin doesn't do that now, even though he knows that it's what Levi expects. Instead, he approaches the other man slowly, and without a word, reaches out for him, his hands brushing Levi's knuckles once he's close enough. Levi doesn't seem to mind though, at least not as first, and melts under the touch.

And they don't talk about things. At least not at first.

They don't talk about things because Levi is like putty in his hands, and Erwin can't help but lean forward slowly, carefully, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. Levi immediately presses into it, his hands reaching up to touch Erwin or grip onto him or to wrap around his neck, but Erwin stops him. He stops him, hands gripping Levi's wrists gently, and Levi lets him. At first, he lets Erwin kiss him, even if it's slow and easy and not as hard or rough as he usually does.

And Erwin can't help it. He can't help his sudden urge to kiss Levi softly and hold him and _make love_ to him, rather than fuck him. He holds Levi's hands between them and takes control of the kiss, keeping it slow and languid, only opening his mouth to accept Levi's tongue after a long minute of soft, controlled pecks. And still, he keeps it slow. He keeps it slow, even when Levi tries to lunge forward, biting at his bottom lip. He keeps it slow, even though he's so used to undressing Levi quickly, taking him hard and fast on the desk or against the wall or in his bed. He keeps it slow, because he realizes suddenly that he’s never even actually taken the time to really _feel_ the way that Levi moves underneath him when they kiss and he hasn’t taken the time to appreciate the way he tastes, and that should be a crime.

When Levi eventually relaxes slightly against him, Erwin decides that it's safe to let go of his wrists. He drops them in favor of one hand finding its place at his hip, the other on at the back of his head, and for a moment, things are okay. For a moment, Levi allows him to keep the kiss slow and passionate and easy. And for a moment, Erwin actually believes that it's how things will stay.

But it doesn't take long before Levi is rolling Erwin's lip between his teeth, sucking roughly as he reaches forward, hands grabbing for the straps across Erwin's chest, as he always does. But Erwin stops him. He stops him because he doesn't want things to be anxious and rushed like they usually are. They have time. They haven't just come back from an expedition. They're not running on adrenaline.

No, they should be able to take their time now. They _should_ be able to, but it doesn't seem that Levi can. And When Erwin grabs his wrists again, stopping him, he pulls back, apparently frustrated.

" _What the hell_ , Erwin?" He grumbles, narrowing his eyes up at his Commander. He attempts to reach forward again, but Erwin stops him again, and it earns a groan from Levi. "What are you waiting for?"

"Levi-" Erwin tries, but he's cut off by the other man shaking away from his grip again, fingers quickly undoing the leather strap across his chest and pushing the maneuver gear down. He starts reaching for Erwin's pants, but is stopped again by Erwin's hands on his wrists.

" _Come on-"_

" _Levi,_ " Erwin presses, voice harder, and that seems to catch his attention. Levi looks up at him at that, eyes frustrated. Impatient. "There's no need to hurry," He tries, which earns an eye roll from the other man.

"Stop being so sentimental," Levi says, an echo of his words a few days earlier, when Erwin had _tried_ to initiate another conversation with him. He tries to reach forward again, but Erwin stops him once more.

" _Levi-"_

"Are you seriously going to try to have this talk with me again?" Levi asks, and Erwin can't help but notice the venom dripping off of his words. It's a tone he hasn't heard Levi use in a while, and it makes him uneasy. The other man is already getting defensive and he hasn't even said a word yet. _But_ Levi's words tell him something. They tell him that he _knew_ that Erwin was trying to discuss things with him. He knew, yet he'd left. He'd left and only returned when he thought it was safe to just get a quick fuck from him.

And in a moment, it tells Erwin everything that he needs to know about Levi's behavior. It tells him that Levi _doesn't_ want any emotions connected to whatever it is that they have. The problem is, though, that they're already there. They've always been there, from day one. And from the tone of Levi's voice, Erwin can tell that he feels them too, even if he doesn’t want to. Even if he’s going to fight them every step of the way.

"You can't try to tell me that what we have here is just purely physical," Erwin says at last, instead of answering Levi's question. It doesn't need answering. They're talking, and they're doing it now. It has been decided.

But apparently, Levi wants nothing to do with that.

"I can and I will," He spits back, looking up at Erwin with narrowed, determined eyes.

Erwin raises his eyebrows in return. He doesn't quite buy it. "Every time?" He asks, giving him another chance to answer honestly.

" _Yup_ ," Levi mutters, all narrowed eyes and sour expression, and it's a challenge, "Now either _fuck me_ , or let me go."

And it's in that moment that Erwin realizes that Levi is trying to push him away. He's trying to push him away, because he'd rather have an empty, meaningless fuck, than actually care about someone.

Because last time he cared about someone, he lost them.

And Erwin wants to choose his words wisely, he really does, but at the same time, he's never been one to tip-toe around someone else's emotions. Levi is strong, and he shouldn't be running away from things the way he is. He should be running away from his own _feelings_ the way that he is.

"You know," He says, voice quiet but hard, "You can't push away every person that you care about just because they might die one day."

And while it's a little hypocritical of him - because a few months ago, Erwin had been content with having a few meaningless fucks here and there because he didn't have the _time_ to care for someone - it's the truth. It's the truth, and Erwin had been prepared to bare himself to Levi, even with the risk of losing him. It's only fair that Levi would do the same for him, but he won't.

The hurt that flashes across Levi's face only lasts for a millisecond, but Erwin sees it. He sees it when Levi realizes that he's talking about Farlan and Isabel, and he sees it when he realizes that he's implying that Levi _cares_ about him, and he sees it when Levi makes the decision to push those emotions aside. He sees it when Levi makes the decision to keep trying to push him away, despite his words.

Levi leans forward at that, sneering. "I may respect you as my Commander, and I may enjoy fucking you," He hisses, "But don't you _dare_ think for one second that it's because I _care_ about you."

And at that, he's hopping quickly off of the desk, jerking away from Erwin's grasp and storming out of the room, slamming the door and effectively pushing him away even more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh, I hate to leave you guys with a chapter like this, but it needed to be done! I'll try to get the next one up quickly!


	4. I'm Afraid I Might Die For You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _You don't have to make any promises, love_   
>  _I'm afraid I might die for you now_   
>  _And I'd kill just to watch you as you're sleeping_   
>  _I hope that you'll let me, in time_   
>  _You don't have to call me yours, my love_   
>  _Damn it, I'm calling you mine_
> 
> _And please do not hurt me, love,_  
>  _I am a fragile one, and you are the white in my eyes_  
>  _Please do not break my heart,_  
>  _I think it's had enough pain to last the rest of my life_  
> [10 AM, Gare Du Nord](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8f9sMxzdFM) \- Keaton Henson
> 
>  **A/N:**  
>  First of all, OH MY GOD THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING SO PATIENT WITH ME. I usually don't take any longer than a week to update and I hate leaving you hanging like I did, but alas, I had dumb grown up things to do. Being an adult sucks.   
> Anyway, here's the next chapter. I'm hoping to have the last one up this week as well to make up for my lack of posting! Enjoy!

Levi isn't there when Erwin loses his arm. He isn't there because he'd gone and gotten himself hurt and - despite their argument - Erwin had insisted that he sit things out for a week or so. Because despite their argument or any other _personal_ matters going on, Levi is a solider first, and he'll still obey Erwin's orders. So he isn't there when Erwin loses his arm.

It happens about three weeks after their initial argument - after Levi had spat those venomous words at Erwin, ripping away from his grasp - and they still haven't discussed things. They haven't talked about things because there's been more pressing matters to deal with, such as Eren and the female titan and the Military Police. No, they don't have the time to discuss things, even if Levi wanted to, because time seems to move rather quickly after Eren Yeager comes into their lives.

And while, after that first mission with Eren - the mission that Levi loses his entire squad - part of him wants nothing more than to lock himself in Erwin's room and deal with things the way he used to, he doesn't. He can't, because they don't have the time, and even if they did, they haven't talked about things. They haven't talked about the way that Levi pushed Erwin away that night, almost a month ago now.

So Levi isn't there. He isn't by Erwin's side, as he usually is, when Erwin loses his arm. He isn't there for that battle, and upon hearing the news, he can't help but wish - can't help but _feel_ \- like he should have been. And upon hearing the news, Levi realizes for a split second, that he might just care about Erwin. He realizes it, because when he first hears the news, for just a quick, fleeting moment, he thinks that the man in front of him is about to tell him that Erwin died.

And he can't help the way that his heart drops into his stomach at that thought. But then it's gone, and the man - the _messenger_ who he doesn't even _recognize_ \- is continuing, telling him that despite being attacked, Erwin is in stable condition. That he lost his arm in the battle, but it looks like he'll pull through.

And Levi still doesn't see Erwin for two days after it happens. He doesn't see him for two days, because he has shit to deal with - because he has to help pick up the slack without Erwin around - and with everything that's going on around them, there's _a lot_ to deal with. So he doesn't see Erwin for two days.

Levi doesn't see Erwin for two days, but thankfully, he doesn't have much time to think about it. He doesn't have much time to dwell on the fact that he wants nothing more than to be at his Commander's bedside, to assure that he's going to be okay. He doesn't have the time to think about the fact that he's actually _worried_ about Erwin and his well-being, because he's too busy cleaning up all of the shit left behind.

But after two days, Levi finally gets a break. He finally gets a break and - both because he wants to and because he needs to - he goes to visit Erwin. Still, it's a bit of a ride, and while he had insisted on taking it alone, Levi slowly beings to regret it. He begins to regret it, because for the majority of the morning, he's left alone with his thoughts. He's left alone with all of his frustrations and unanswered questions and his _worry_ for Erwin.

As he rides, Erwin's words echo around in his head.

_You can't push away every person that you care about just because they might die one day_

He swallows hard. Because for a split second, he'd thought that Erwin had died. And for a split second, despite his best efforts, his heart had almost shattered. Even now, his chest aches at the mere thought of losing someone else. It had already been hard, losing his entire squad without anyone to go to, but Erwin?

He's uncertain what he'd do if his Commander died. Because despite his best efforts, he knows that he cares about the other man. How could he not? Erwin had always trusted him. Erwin had taken him in when nobody else would. Erwin had trusted and believed in him when he shouldn't have, he had trained him like any other _normal_ recruit to join the Survey Corps. Hell, Erwin had even accepted his fate, prepared to die by Levi's hand on the wet forest floor all of those years ago.

And Levi hadn't killed him. He hadn't killed him, because even then - while he might not have known it - he cared about Erwin.

He _cares_ about Erwin. And he's not really sure when that started or how those feelings manifested despite his best efforts to keep them away, but there's no denying it, especially not now.

But still, Levi pushes it down. He pushes it down because he hasn't earned the luxury to worry about his own trivial feelings. No, it would be unfair of him to dwell on such things right now. It would be unfair because Erwin - his _Commander_ \- almost died, and he needs to be strong. He needs to live up to his nickname - _Humanity’s Strongest -_ because that's what Erwin and the Survey Corps need right now. No, it would be unfair of Levi to worry about his own _feelings_ , while his Commander lies in a hospital bed and his men wait for direction.

So Levi pushes things aside. He pushes the heaviness in his chest aside when he finally reaches the hospital, and he takes a deep breath, straightening out his posture before opening up Erwin's door. No, he's not visiting because he _cares_. It's because he needs orders. _Everyone_ needs orders.

And he needs to be certain that he's not going to have to step up, in the event of Erwin's death.

He swallows hard at that thought, taking a step into the room and shutting the door behind himself. And without even realizing it, Levi finds himself looking up at the ceiling, preparing himself before allowing his eyes to fall to the bed situated in the middle of the room. Before he allows his eyes to fall to Erwin.

And he tries to dull the aching in his chest at the sight before him. At the shell of a man, lying in the bed in front of him. Because the man before him - the man with the scruff along his chin and the disheveled hair and sunken cheeks - is _not_ Erwin. No, he’s not the strong, powerful Commander that Levi has grown to know. He looks weak. Small.

He tries not to look at the bandage - at the bloodied stump of what remains of Erwin's arm - but he can't help it. He can't help the way his eyes fall on it, and he can't help the way that he can't look away, even if he tried.

And for a moment, Levi wants nothing more than to cross the room in a few quick strides and kiss Erwin. He wants to kiss him and hold him and apologize for being such a stubborn moron. He wants to tell him that he was right - that he's cared about him all along - and he wants to apologize for not being there when Erwin needed him the most. He _wants_ to do that, but at the same time, he also wants to cross the room and smack Erwin for being so _stupid_. He wants to yell at him for being so fucking _reckless_ , as Erwin had once done to him, because some _kid_ isn't worth his arm or his life.

He wants to, but he doesn't do either of those things. Instead, Levi stands, frozen in spot just inside the door.

Erwin's eyes are closed, and Levi had assumed that he was asleep upon entering the room, so when the other man speaks, it causes him to jump slightly.

"You just going to stand there?" Erwin asks, and his voice is rough. Rusty. It sounds like he's been swallowing shards of glass, and it makes Levi cringe. He's not used to hearing Erwin that way. No, he's used to hearing him strong and sure and confident. He's used to his deep commanding tone. Hell, he's even used to the soft, breathy tones that he uses in the bedroom. But not _this_.

Levi clears his throat, taking a stiff step forward. "So you're not dead," He says after a beat of silence, masking his concern and worry with a veil of bitter sarcasm.

And though his eyes are still closed, Erwin's mouth turns up into a small, barely there smile. "Apparently not," He returns, and he actually sounds surprised. That only makes things worse. Levi had heard the story - he'd heard what happened out of the field - but he wasn't _there_. He doesn't know how it had been. Had Erwin really thought that he was going to die? Had he accepted his death? What had he thought about, when he thought it was the end? The selfish part of Levi wonders if he was in there somewhere, but he pushes that down.

Levi swallows, taking a few more steps closer. From his new angle, he can see the bloody patch on the dressing of Erwin's shoulder. It probably won't stop bleeding for a couple of weeks. Part of him wants to reach out and touch it, just to make sure that this is real - that Erwin's arm is really gone - but he doesn't. He holds himself back, as he has for years now.

Erwin looks exhausted though. When he's closer, Levi notes the way that not only his cheeks, but his eyes look sunken in. Thick, dark circles hang under them, an indication of lack of sleep, and in an instant, he feels bad for barging in the way he did.

"If you need sleep, I can-"

"No," Erwin says, cutting him off. He opens his eyes at that, looking up at Levi. "Stay."

And Levi tries not to read too much into it. He _tries_ , but he can't help it, especially not when Erwin stares up at him like he's expecting something. They're not talking about that, though. Not now.

Erwin looks pale and tired and probably on the verge of death, but Levi listens, as always. He steps to the side, grabbing a nearby chair, and drags it to Erwin's bedside before sitting on it, still staring down at him. Erwin meets his gaze and for a moment, it's silent. For a moment, all of Levi's stupid selfish thoughts fly right out the window, because - like always - he has more important things to worry about. Like making sure his Commander lives through the week.

Because in that moment, looking down at him, he has no idea what he'd do without him.


	5. How Tired Am I Of Being Scared

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _I'd rather die on the day that I give you a kiss_  
>  _Than spend the rest of my life knowing I never did_  
>  \- [Private Fears In Public Places](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DYTCmfFsTI%22) \- Front Porch Step.
> 
>  **A/N:**  
>  FIRST OFF, go listen to the song above. It's the song I named this fic after, and to be honest, if it weren't for me stumbling upon this song at work one day, this fic wouldn't exist. It was definitely the inspiration for all of this and it's really quite a lovely song and gives me a lot of feelings.
> 
> Secondly, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR READING THIS. I think I say this about everything I write, but I had so much damn fun writing this fic, and I really really appreciate all of your comments and kind words and kudos and _everything_. I really hope you like how I ended this one.
> 
> And, as always, I am currently working on a couple of other projects, so be sure to keep an eye out for new stuff!   
> Feel free to follow me on tumblr [here](http://thefangirlingdead.tumblr.com/) for updates and random ramblings. Also feel free to send me prompts and shit. Because, well, I'm always trying to come up with new stuff to write!
> 
> Enjoy! <3

Time goes by.

Time goes by, and Erwin doesn't die, and Levi returns to headquarters, where he's needed. And time goes by. Shit hits the fan, like usual nowadays, and things seem to go by rather quickly. Erwin doesn't return right away, and Levi is left to run things in his stead, Hanji at his side, and time goes by. Things move quickly, especially when it seems like there a new surprise at every turn.

Erwin gives Levi instructions during the couple of days that they _do_ see eachother, and even though they're stupid and reckless, and if they make one wrong move it could get them all killed, Levi follows them without question. He acknowledges that maybe, it's unhealthy to put so much blind faith in the other man, but still, he follows him.

He'd probably follow him into the mouth of one of those beasts, if he really thinks about it. But he doesn't. Levi has too much to worry about besides Erwin and his insane tactics and plans and the fact that he'll always follow him without question. And he _definitely_ has more to think about than the fact that he wishes that he would have apologized to Erwin the last time that he saw him, lying in that hospital bed.

Because who knows when they'll see one another again. If Erwin's plans follow through, he'll be away for much longer than his expected recovery time, and Levi and Hanji are going to have to pick up the slack and take his place in his absence. If his plans work out, he'll be gone for more than just a few days. So who knows when they'll see eachother again. _If_ they'll see eachother again.

Because, blind faith or not, Levi acknowledges that Erwin's plans are insane and reckless and there's a high chance that one or both of them could easily die if things go wrong. And part of him - an increasingly _big_ part of him - wishes that they would have worked things out the last time they saw one another, even if Erwin _was_ delirious in a hospital bed. But once again, their lives don't allow for such things. Their lives don't allow for time to argue and make up and mend wounds. They have to keep moving, for the good of humanity. And Levi knows that _that_ is more important than his stupid feelings. Even if they're feelings that he didn't know that he had until now. 

He really _is_ messed up, isn't he?

Either way, time goes by. And it goes by rather quickly. Levi receives messages from Erwin from time to time, keeping him updated on the progress of their plans, and Levi would be lying if he said he wasn't excited whenever he received one of the notes, a sign that Erwin is still very much alive and strong and fighting.

And then one day, Erwin returns.

It's out of the blue and completely unexpected, but one late afternoon, Levi is returning to his office - _Erwin's_ office, but he works out of it more so than his own nowadays - when he notices that the door is open. It hangs just slightly ajar on the hinges, and Levi's body tenses because he and Erwin and Hanji, who was headed in the opposite direction, are the only ones with the keys. So naturally, Levi tenses, and part of him wishes he had some form of weapon on him, just in case. Because, you know, he's a wanted man nowadays.

But still, he approaches the door, prepared for whatever or _whoever_ might be waiting for him inside.

However, he's not prepared for Erwin, perched on the edge of his own desk, hair neat and somehow slicked to the side, clean shaven and even wearing his military uniform, as if he'd never been gone, as if nothing had changed. Except he has been, and _everything_ has changed. The empty space where his arm used to be is a grim reminder of that.

Levi hasn't seen him in almost a _month_ now, and he freezes on the spot. Because while he'd been expecting a surprise, maybe even an attempt at his life by someone working for the government or the military police, he sure as hell hadn't been expecting _Erwin Smith_.

And the fucker _smiles_. He actually fucking smiles when Levi steps into the room, stopping dead in his tracks at the sight of him. And Levi wants to punch him. He wants to yell at him for worrying him and he wants to be angry with him for how reckless he's been over the past few weeks, but he can't. He can't, because he's frozen on the spot, and while he wants to yell at Erwin and hit him and call him names, he also wants to storm up to him, grab him by the collar, and kiss him hard, like he hasn't been able to do for _months_  now. He wants to apologize and tell him that he'd been right all along, and he wants to go back in time and stop anything from ever happening to him out on the battlefield. Because if he'd been there, Erwin would be okay. He knows it.

But Levi isn't really great with his words, or his feelings, so he can't help the way he stands, stock still for a moment, before crossing his arms and muttering, "What the _fuck_ , Erwin?"

The words only cause Erwin's smile to widen slightly. He hops off of the edge of the desk - Levi notes how his empty right sleeve moves as he does so - and takes a step forward. "Good to see you too."

And finally, Levi seems to regain some of his composure. He rolls his eyes in response. "What are you doing here?"

"Waiting for Pixis to do his part," Erwin replies, as if it's a no-brainer, "I figured I could come by and check in." He speaks so lightheartedly, Levi almost forgets that the man in front of him is actually the same person who came up with the ridiculous plan to _overthrow the fucking government._

He scoffs. And while part of him wants nothing more than to close the stupid gap between them and fall into Erwin's arms - _arm,_ he corrects himself, with a twinge of pain in his chest - he decides against it. After all, he's certain that Hanji will want to speak with their Commander as well.

"I'm going to get Hanji," He announces without another word, turning to leave the room, "I'll be back."

And he really does have the intention of leaving. He even turns the doorknob and pulls the door open just slightly, ready to make his way to Hanji's quarters, but then he's freezing. He's freezing again, because Erwin is right behind him, and there's a lull in their plans, and they never have the time _\- he never has the fucking time_ \- to deal with their crap, but right now they do. Right now, they do, and if he walks out that door, he knows that they may never get the chance again. The thought that Erwin almost _died_ thinking that he hates him still lingers in the back of his mind, and Levi suddenly aches to tell him the truth. If he doesn’t now, he never will.

So without another thought, Levi shuts the door. He shuts it, and he takes a couple of deep breaths, and just as he's about to turn around, Erwin speaks.

"Levi?"

It's just one word. Just his name. But it's been a long time since he's heard it on the other man's lips, and while it's just one word, it's the _right_ word. It's the word that has Levi turning on his heel and storming up to Erwin in quick, long strides, stopping himself just shy of grabbing him by the collar of his jacket. He doesn't, however, stop himself from jabbing a finger roughly into Erwin's chest when he speaks, standing up on his toes and leaning up as close as he can to him.

"How _dare_ you," He spits in an accusatory tone, which leaves Erwin with a puzzled look on his face. And maybe it's not quite what he meant to say, but they're the words that come out.

"I don't follow," Erwin replies, voice calm, collected.

"You almost got yourself _killed_ , Erwin," Levi mutters, jabbing his finger again, "You almost fucking _died_. You can’t die. That's not how this works."

Distantly, Levi realizes that he sounds like a small child, but he can't bring himself to care. He can't bring himself to care, because Erwin is standing right in front of him, right where _he'd_ been standing a couple of months ago when he'd told the man in front of him the biggest lie of his life. Because he cares about him. Of course he does, and he'd almost let Erwin die without even knowing that.

"I was stupid, and I lied to you, and I almost let you die without knowing that you were right," Levi spits, and he's uncertain if he's more angry at himself, or at Erwin for almost dying. At the stump where his arm used to be. "Without knowing the truth."

Surprisingly, Erwin keeps his cool. He lets Levi jab his finger into him again and again, and he doesn't move. He lets Levi ramble for a moment until those words. And then he's speaking again quiet and easy. "Then what's the truth?"

And Levi scoffs. He doesn't want to, but he can't help it. "You're really going to make me say it?" He grumbles, gazing up at Erwin through narrowed eyes. Because _God,_ he's pissed off, but at the same time, he wants nothing more than to grab the man in front of him and kiss him like he's been dying to do for _weeks._

When Erwin just meets his gaze expectantly, Levi sighs.

"I fucking care about you, Erwin," He mutters, voice low. His eyes dart away, unable to keep the gaze, but he keeps speaking, "You know I do. And you were right all along. I pushed you away because I didn't want to get too close. But I guess I already was. Sucks for me, right?"

"Levi-"

"I'm sorry," He continues, ignoring Erwin's attempt to interject, "I'm sorry I wasn't there to help that day and I'm sorry I was such a piece of shit and I'm sorry that's it's taken me so long to realize it. It's just... I can't fucking _stand_ the thought of you leaving this world thinking that I still hate you."

"Levi-"

"Because I don't, Erwin. In fact, I might even love you."

He's uncertain as to when he started looking up at Erwin again, but suddenly, Levi is done speaking and his eyes are staring into crisp blue ones and there's a hand gripping his wrist tightly, his last words hanging in the air. Erwin's expression is unreadable, but his words are unmistakable when he says, "Say it again."

Still, Levi starts at the words. "W-what?"

"Say it again," Erwin repeats, voice low, and Levi knows what he's talking about. He knows _exactly_ what he wants to hear, and while he hasn't even so much as _thought_ the words before - they just sort of came out - he definitely doesn't take them back, so he repeats himself.

"I love you," He says, voice a little more sure than the first time he muttered it. He leans up on his toes again, hand turning in Erwin's grasp to grip at his wrist as well. "I love you."

And apparently, that's all Erwin needs to hear before he's  swooping down, fast and graceful, catching Levi's lips in a quick, hard kiss.

Levi, though he sees it coming, is stunned still for a moment, the familiar feeling of Erwin's lips on his own enough to make his body and his heart still, for just a second. And after than moment passes, he's reaching up, his own hand fisting in the front of Erwin's shirt, deepening the kiss. It's slow, hard but slow and easy and for once, Levi lets Erwin kiss him how he wants. He doesn't try to rush things, doesn't try to bite into the kiss or shuck his clothes off too quickly. No, instead, he lets Erwin kiss him how he wants, which is slow and soft and caring.

They part after a few moments, but Levi doesn't let go of the fabric of Erwin's shirt, and Erwin still has his hand resting gently at the back of Levi's head and for a few beats of silence, they stand like that, lips parted, foreheads pressed together. And in that moment, Levi decides that he doesn't want to rush things again. He doesn't want to rip Erwin's clothes off before they even reach his bed and he doesn't want to fuck hard and fast, _if_ they even do. No, Levi decides that he wants to watch Erwin. He wants to take things slow. He wants to revel in the other man's taste and the way he looks at him as he walks him backward toward the bed eventually. And he wants to _feel_ him. He wants to memorize every curve of Erwin's body, every movement that he makes.

He doesn't want to rush things, and in a split second, Levi immediately regrets all of the times that he didn't appreciate Erwin when he could have. When he should have. He regrets not allowing Erwin to take him apart slowly, to learn his body as a careful lover, not rushed and full of adrenaline as they had. And sure, that's on _both_ of them, but the guilt weighs heavy in Levi's chest.

" _I'm sorry_ ," He finds himself murmuring quietly, and he opens his mouth again to say something else, but Erwin is shushing him softly, thumb rubbing soft patterns into the back of his neck.

"It's okay," He assures, voice quiet, and Levi can feel the heat of Erwin's breath on his lips when he speaks. He stores that feeling in his memory, cataloguing it away. Because despite how many times they may have slept together, Levi doesn't remember ever having noticed the way that Erwin's breath felt on his lips between murmured requests or soft, teasing comments and that should be a fucking crime.

"But-" Levi tries to start again, only to be cut off once more.

" _Levi_ ," Erwin presses, pulling away slightly so he can look into his eyes, "Don't. It's okay. You're here now."

And while Levi wants to argue - _yeah, but I wasn't there when you needed me! -_ he listens. He allows Erwin to lean forward again, pressing their lips together once more, and he allows himself to press into the touch, free hand snaking up and around Erwin's waist, arching up on his toes to return the kiss.

He revels in Erwin's taste, in the way he uses his hand to brush stray hairs out of his face, in the way he sucks his bottom lip into his mouth just gently, sucking just hard enough to earn a little gasp from Levi. And he savors the way that Erwin holds him, even with just one arm, keeping him close and secure, as if part of him is afraid that he'll run away again. And Levi holds him back just as close, because he never wants to leave. Not again.

"I missed you," Levi breathes between soft, gentle kisses, and Erwin pulls back at that, just enough to look him in the eye.

The taller man regards him for a moment, looking down at him with soft eyes before smiling. "I missed you too, Levi," He murmurs, leaning in to kiss him again. And it's in that moment that Levi decides that _Hanji can wait._

He lets Erwin kiss him for a few moments longer, until it becomes just too much, before he's pulling away again slowly. " _Couch_ ," He breaths, voice coming out in short, gasping breaths. He doesn't remember the last time he let Erwin kiss him for so long - if ever - and he'd be lying if he said it wasn't getting him worked up. It's a good, slow burn though. Much better than what they've usually done. "Can we go to the couch?" He asks, looking up to Erwin for an answer. Because he doesn't want to rush things, but if he doesn't get the other man out of his clothes and _soon_ , he's pretty sure he'll go insane.

"Is that what you want?" Erwin asks in return, and Levi is pleased to hear the breathlessness in _his_ voice as well. He stores that memory - as well as the image of Erwin, flushed cheeks and disheveled hair - away along with the others.

"Yeah," He murmurs back, "Please?"

And at that, Erwin nods, pushing himself away from the desk to follow Levi over to the couch. The smaller man lets him lay down first, crawling over his body and straddling his hips in return. And while the couch is anything but comfortable, it's perfect. It's perfect right now. And Levi knows, looking down at Erwin, that they both need this. Because they've never had the _time_ and Levi's been scared, but they have time now, and he's not scared now. Not anymore.

Levi leans down at that, mouthing a wet spot against Erwin's neck. He makes sure to move slow, though, one hand reaching up to intertwine his fingers with Erwin’s. And it's with a sharp pang in his chest that he realizes that he'll never be able to hold both of Erwin's hands again. He'll never be able to sprawl out over the other man, hold both of his wrists over his head, and kiss the life out of him. Things are different now, and Levi has to swallow the lump in his throat at that realization before he moves up, pressing a kiss to Erwin's lips.

"Let me know if I move too fast," He murmurs between kisses, and if Erwin notices the change in Levi's demeanor - or the way that the emotion sticks thick to his voice when he speaks - he doesn't say anything, and just nods in response, arching up into Levi's touch.

And when he removes Erwin's clothes, it's slow, his lips trailing behind his hands, brushing up against the skin of his Commander's chest, stomach, hips. He allows himself to take things slow, mapping out Erwin's body as he never has before. Because who knows... This _could_ be their last chance to be together. And if he were to die tomorrow, Levi would want to die knowing that he'd taken the time to get to know Erwin's body. He'd rather die with Erwin's taste on his lips and his voice in his head, with a smile on his face, knowing that he'd lived with few regrets.

So he takes things slow, lips brushing up against Erwin's cock softly when he pulls his pants off, earning a shudder from the man below him. "Levi," Erwin breathes, and he glances up, their eyes meeting, "Clothes. Off."

Levi lets out a soft chuckle, but obeys, sitting up on his haunches, looking down at Erwin. "What happened to taking things slow?" He teases lightly.

Erwin sits up at that as well, arm reaching out for Levi's shirt. He fumbles with the buttons, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth before he speaks. "You're going slow enough," He mutters, "I'd just enjoy you with less clothes on."

"Tch," Levi rolls his eyes, batting away Erwin's hand, "Old pervert. Let me."

So Erwin lies back at Levi's words, watching as the smaller man quickly unbuttons his own shirt, taking off his maneuver gear as he goes, shedding it to the floor. He reaches up once Levi's shirt is gone and he's working on his pants, hand splaying out across his chest. "I missed this, you know," Erwin murmurs, and that causes Levi to pause his actions momentarily.

He reaches up, fingers intertwining with Erwin's before bringing the man's hand up to his mouth and pressing his knuckles to his lips. "Yeah," He mutters, voice tight, "Me too."

His pants are off pretty quickly after that, joining the rest of their clothes in a pile on the floor, and then Erwin makes a move to turn them over - Levi beneath him - Levi stops him.

"No," He murmurs, "No, I want you like this."

Erwin smiles. "I may have lost an arm, but that doesn't mean you have to baby me," He chides softly.

"I know," Levi returns, "But I just want you like this. Please?"

And Erwin really can't deny him that. He nods and watches as Levi stands and crosses the room to retrieve the lubricant that they keep in the drawer of the desk. He's back in no time at all, small and nimble, and before long, Levi is spreading some of the liquid onto his own fingers and reaching back with a small smile on his face.  He leans down, pressing his forehead into Erwin's chest as he presses two fingers into himself. "I - I just want you to watch," He breathes, hips jerking against his own hand, "I want to take care of you."

Erwin leans forward, pressing a kiss to his hair, hand on Levi's hip, steadying him. "You look beautiful," He murmurs in return, "Just like this."

The words rip a trembling moan from Levi's lips, and he barely muffles it into Erwin's chest. " _Shit_ ," He mutters, "You're going to kill me, Erwin."

"It'd be a pretty great way to go out," Erwin teases back, a smile in his voice, "Wouldn't it?"

Levi scoffs, pulling back enough to look at him. "Shut up."

And Erwin doesn't even try to mask the smirk on his face when he replies with a soft, "Make me."

Levi finishes preparing himself pretty quickly after that, pressing three fingers into his hole after Erwin's words and stretching himself out until the burn subsides and his hips are bucking against his hand. He slicks Erwin's cock up easily and leisurely, pressing a kiss to his lips, and then he's positioning himself and sliding slowly and easily down onto him, watching Erwin's face as he does so.

"You - _ah_ \- you should see your face," Levi mumbles, lifting his hips up slightly, just to press them back down even further, " _Oh my god_ , why haven't I done this before?" And while he's uncertain as to if he's asking why he hasn't ridden Erwin like this before, or why he hasn't watched him as he's done so, he doesn't care. The point isn't lost on the man below him, who's face twists up in pleasure when Levi swivels his hips, reaching down to pinch a nipple gently between his fingers.

Erwin's hand grips his thigh tightly as he moves, urging him up and down, and Levi complies, watching Erwin's face through lowly lidded eyes to make sure he's doing everything right. Because he's never really _watched_ Erwin before. He's never really _cared_ how the other man really felt, as long as they both got off. And while that's obviously the main goal here, it's not everything. He wants to make sure that Erwin feels loved. He wants to make sure that Erwin feels _good_.

Distantly, Levi misses the other hand on his hip. He misses Erwin being able to manhandle him roughly, moving him just how he wants, slamming Levi's hips down just right. Distantly, he misses it, but at the same time, it gives Levi the chance to figure out exactly what Erwin likes, to figure out exactly what _he_ likes. It gives him the chance to do it himself, to lift up almost all the way off of his cock only to slam back down quickly, making Erwin's grip on his thigh tighten, earning a low, deep moan.

"Like that?" Levi asks as he repeats the action, watching Erwin's face for affirmation.

"Just like that," Erwin confirms, pressing himself up into Levi, lifting his hips off the couch, " _Fuck_ , Levi."

And it isn't until then that things really hit Levi. That if he just would have _listened_ \- if he wouldn't have been so hard headed - he could have had this ages ago. He could have been able to lay Erwin down and take him apart, find out just what makes him tick and send him over the edge easily. They could have always been like this. They could of had this when Erwin had _both_ arms - when he was capable of hoisting Levi up and slamming him up against the wall - when he would have been able to undress Levi with ease, carefully mapping out his body as Levi had done to him earlier.

They can still do that now. And they can still do that until the end of time, but it doesn't change the guilt that rises up in Levi's throat. It doesn't change the way that he leans forward, pressing his face into Erwin's neck as he works his hips, trying to regain his composure, trying to clear his head.

Because Erwin feels good, _he feels so fucking good_ , and it would be a sin for Levi to think of anything else but the man below him - his cock inside of him - in this moment. So he tries to shake his worries and guilt out of his head temporarily, mouthing wetly at Erwin's neck instead.

Erwin catches the change in his demeanor, though, and stills his hips. "Levi?" He asks, voice tinged with concern, "Are you alright?"

And it isn't until then that Levi realizes he's holding back tears. He presses his face closer into Erwin's neck, willing them to go away. "Yeah," He murmurs against his skin, "Yeah, I'm okay."

Erwin doesn't quite buy it, however, even while Levi keeps trying to work himself over his cock. His hand leaves its place at his thigh in favor of pressing softly against his cheek, thumb brushing stray hair away. "Look at me," He commands softly, and who would Levi be to disobey?

He sits up, hands on Erwin's chest, and gazes down at him, eyes full of emotion - full of love - threatening to brim over with tears. Erwin pushes himself up as well, sitting up as much as he can without using his arm for balance. "What's wrong?" He murmurs softly.

Levi shakes his head back and forth, managing a smile despite the fact that he feels like he's about to break. "Nothing, I uh - it's just that we could have done this before, if it weren't for me..."

Erwin offers him a smile, leaning in to press a quick kiss on his lips. "That doesn't matter," He murmurs, "We still _can_."

"But-"

"If you want to stop, we can stop," Erwin says softly, cutting Levi off before he has a chance to say anything else.

But Levi shakes his head back and forth frantically, even moving his hips gently as if to prove his point. "Don't stop," He breaths, leaning in to press his face into Erwin's neck again, " _Please_ don't stop, Erwin." So Erwin moves that that, sitting up a little more in order to wrap an arm around Levi's waist to steady himself before thrusting his hips up, earning a breathy moan from the man in his lap and causing him to grind his ass back down in return.

And he's uncertain how it happens, but before long, Levi is moving with Erwin, arms draped easily around his shoulders, hips rocking against Erwin's, breathing out soft words of encouragement. Because despite the fact that he'd been on the verge of tears, he'd also been close - _so close_ \- and Erwin keeps moving just right, rotating his hips _perfectly -_

"I love you," Levi hears himself breathing out against Erwin's skin as he meets his thrusts, " _I love you_ , Erwin. _Fuck, I -_ "

"Come on," Erwin coos from beneath him, "Come on, come for me Levi."

And that's all it takes before Levi is obeying the command, body stilling above Erwin, fingers tightening against his shoulders, eyes clenching shut. That's all it takes before he's coming untouched in thick, white ropes over himself and Erwin.

As he comes down, Levi keeps rocking his hips, body on overdrive, mouthing at Erwin's skin. He keeps rocking his hips, riding out his orgasm until Erwin is coming as well, body tightening around him, fingers slipping on sweat-slicked skin.

Levi pulls off of Erwin eventually, and instead of standing, anxious to clean up and leave like usual, he finds himself quickly cleaning them off with one of their shirts - and _that_ earns a look from Erwin - before lying down, curling easily against his Commander on the small couch, head on his chest. Erwin smiles down at him at that, hand reaching down to absent-mindedly run through Levi's hair.

"You okay?" Erwin asks softly, and Levi knows that he's referring to his almost-breakdown minutes ago. Levi's cheeks feel warm just thinking about it. While it had been embarrassing and he'd felt awfully vulnerable, he doesn't regret it.

He nods against Erwin's chest, his own fingers drawing light patterns into the skin of the other man's hip. "Yeah, I'm alright," He murmurs, "I just... You were right. We should have done this before."

"I know," Erwin agrees gently. He leans forward to press a kiss to the top of Levi's head, "But we can now."

Levi hums in agreement, and for a moment, everything is silent. For a moment, they're able to lie at ease with one another. And while part of Levi knows that he should probably go get Hanji and tell her that Erwin is back, it can wait. This is more important.

It's quiet for a few long minutes, and when Erwin finally breaks the silence, his words are soft, careful. They're words that, looking back on it, he's probably wanted to say for a while now, but he'd been worried about Levi's reaction. Now, they come out easy, though. Soft.

"You miss them, don't you?"

Levi doesn't have to ask to know who Erwin is talking about. He'd never have to. He _knows_. And while before, he probably would have gotten upset with Erwin for bringing them up, he doesn't feel that now. No, instead, he smiles slightly at the fond memory of his friends, lost years ago. He wonders what they'd say if they were still around; if Isabel would give him shit for not letting Erwin in sooner, if Farlan would chastise him for _sleeping with the enemy_ , so to speak.

"Yeah," He breaths in response, "Every day."

Erwin nods against him, and it's quiet for another moment before he's speaking again. "You know, I would have saved them. If I could."

And while Levi knows - he's _always_ known - the words mean a lot, coming from Erwin. "I know," He replies softly.

At that thought, he can't help but think about a conversation that he and Erwin had not so long ago. A conversation that Levi isn't too proud of, mainly because of how irrationally he'd acted back then, because of the hurtful things he'd said. He pushes that part aside in favor of remembering something _Erwin_ had said, though.

_You can't push away every person that you care about just because they might die one day._

Levi closes his eyes, relaxing into Erwin's touch. The accusation had been true at the time. He had been scared. Hell, he's _still_ scared, but he can't let that dictate the way he acts. Because if he's being honest, he'd rather have Erwin now, than not at all. Even if he's scared of losing him. Even if he’s scared that he’ll be the one to die tomorrow, leaving Erwin here alone.

Before he realizes what he's saying, Levi finds himself speaking, soft and low. "I don’t know when I’m going to die, I can’t help that,” He murmurs, “It could be tomorrow, it could be a year from now, but, please, Erwin, don't die on me."

And the words hit hard with Erwin. Because while it's a hard promise to keep, he owes it to Levi to try. He owes it to him to prove him wrong - that he won't lose everyone he loves. He owes it to him to prove that love is worth it.

"I won't," He murmurs, fingers running softly through Levi's hair, "I promise."

Levi smiles softly in return. "Good," He breathes. And he pauses for a moment, moving to look up at Erwin - to meet his eyes - echoing his own words from months ago back at him quietly.

"Sometimes, I don't know what I'd do if I lost you."

And Erwin smiles back at that, leaning down to press a quick, soft kiss to the corner of Levi's mouth.

"Then you won't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I would give you my all if you'd just come and stand next to me_


End file.
